Monday, January 23, 2006

what lies ahead

lately i've come to realise more than ever that i can't trust my own judgement and feelings anymore.

i seem to have to rely on what others think.

i mean, i've always listened to what others have to say... but it just seems like now i'm depending on these to keep me afloat.

i don't like this feeling.

i think i've lost my confidence from my experiences over the past year.

i've gained doubt and what-ifs. things i detest.

but as my friend aptly puts it, this is uni.

yes. this is uni. things are different now. i can't expect everything to remain within my reach and understanding. people are complicated here. much more complicated than the way i prefer them to be.

in fact, i don't seem to understand much anymore.

i don't understand how you can hunt for your next target while still maintaining a relationship with a girl you still call your girlfriend. i don't understand why you will only initiate a breakup when you've found your next girlfriend even though you don't have feelings for the current one anymore. even though everything is not working out and does not seem to be able to work out at all.

i don't understand how you could go through so much to patch up with your ex only to come and tell me that you've forgotten why you wanted her back so desperately in the first place. after all that has been said and done, how can you forget? how can you?

i don't understand what's happening now. maybe that's the problem. i'm trying too hard to understand. but i'm scared to go with the flow. i may drown. i may lose my way. i may lose everything i've worked so hard to keep safe.

but there's this annoying little voice in my head telling me i may also find a place more beautiful than any other i've been to. somewhere that makes it all worthwhile.

maybe this time... i should just listen to my heart.

::past tense:: posted at 10:35 AM.

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Jessica Stam as model. Images from the Fall/Winter 2005-06 BCBG Max Azria ads.